‘American Idol’ Night 2: The Good, The Bad & Simon

American Idol wrapped up night two of its season premiere Wednesday, showcasing its ?weirdest turnout in history,? according to Ryan Seacrest.

Less than twenty contestants out of a pool of thousands in Seattle, Washington were sent through to the Hollywood round meaning that two hours of television time was spent featuring freaks, geeks and the impossibly tone deaf.

If you missed it, couldn?t get through it, or just want to recall last night?s rather spectacular show, here?s a recap:

8:03 PM: Brandon Grubs, a 26 year old prior season auditionee turned up in an exaggerated Uncle Sam-esque costume belting out ?God Bless America,? to blank faces from Judges Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell. Their verdict of course was a resounding no, leaving Grubs to quip on his way out, ?it didn?t go well. Nerves again.?

8:06 PM: Enter Jennifer Chapton, dubbed ?the hotness.? After comparing herself to Mariah Carey, she wails off pitch, prompting another affirmative ?No!? from the Judges. Simon takes the brunt of her anger as she attacks him with the strangely phrased insult: ?do yourself a lobotomy,? followed by ?he probably listens to that bad countrymen sheep stuff.?

8:14 PM: A quarter hour into the show and still no one has been put through to Hollywood. Amy Salgado, a 23 year old stay at home mom, who cries when she talks about how much her son loves her singing tackles ?Reflections? by Christina Aguilera for the judges. Turns out she can?t sing ? which she blames on being sick. She drinks a bit of water to try and get her voice back and the judges think she sounds even worse. Notes Simon: ?You could lie in a bath with your mouth open and not sound any better.?

Not wanting to leave she continues her plea to the Judges leaving Randy to get in on the barbs. ?Seattle, crazy, Seattle, no.?

Amy?s parting comments: ?I?m a winner anyway because I have a beautiful child.?

8:19 PM: Perhaps this year?s William Hung hits the stage, Darwin ?Misha? Reedy, a 27-year-old Houston-er. In a blonde bob with glasses and ruby red lipstick, she is easily the most physically memorable contestant of the night, until the judges request her mother come in to support her. ?Oh my God,? Paula mouths to the cameras as Darwin?s dark haired spitting image walks in.

Darwin churns out a startling monotone rendition of ?Dontcha? by the Pussycat Dolls before Simon cuts her off. ?No,? he states.

?Could I try something else? Could I just do a bit of ?Sweet Home Alabama?? she asks.

?For me, sitting here, that was appalling,? he replies.
That?ll be a no, then.

8:30 PM: Finally someone who appears to recognize notes on a music staff hits the room. It?s Thomas Daniels, a 21 year old from Portland, Oregon. He tells the cameras he?s going to get to the top. ?I don?t care if I have to take the stairs or the elevator,? he states.

Singing ?Arms of A Woman,? by Amos Lee, Paula perks up.

?I got goose bumps,? she says. ?You?re absolutely original.?

He becomes the first Seattle contestant put through to Hollywood.

8: 42 PM: After a few more singing-challenged contestants, Blake Lewis, a 25 year old ?beat-box champion,? from Bothell, Washington hits the room. He offers a rendition of Seal?s ?Crazy.?

?You?re good,? notes Simon. ?You?re just very over the top.?

He?s put through and the producers queue the proud parent moment of the night as Blake?s teary-eyed pop praises his son to the cameras.

8:51 PM: It appears some auditionees like keeping it in the family when Shyamali Malakar, 19, and her younger brother Sanjaya turn up. Both are put through, but Simon has a favorite.

?A lot better than your sister,? he says to Sanjaya. ?She has the stage presence, but you have the voice.?

HOUR 2

9:01 PM: Returning for hour two, Ryan dubs day 1?s auditions, ?the weirdest turn out in history. Queue 27-year-old Nicholas Zitzmann who will be singing Simon?s favorite song, the Righteous Brothers? ?Unchained Melody.?

His response when asked why he?s the next American Idol?

?I am a leader. I can project myself real well. I can keep on key,? Zitzmann states.

He tells the judges he was encouraged by his co-workers to enter the competition due to his instrumental music prowess. It is revealed his work mates have never heard him sing.

After what seems like several, painful minutes of Zitzmann?s rendition of the song Simon finally cuts him off.

?What the bloody hell was that?? he asks. ?One of the worst I?ve ever heard. It was almost non-human.?

Rudy Cardenas, 28 from Venezuela via Southern California comes in performing Journey?s ?Open Arms.? This, the last contestant on day 1 is a bass player in a Los Angeles band, and the judges reckon he?s got lead singer chops. He?s given a ticket to Hollywood.

9:16 PM: Day 2 of the auditions begin and the masses are waiting in glorious sunshine. It is revealed Simon told the local media the first day featured ?the worst bunch of contestants ever.?

Hello Kenneth Briggs, 23, who tells the judges he?s been ?compared to Justin Timberlake, Lance, *NSync, Backstreet Boys.?

?I tell my friends you gotta be kidding and they?re like ?No dude,? he says.

He performs an all singing all dancing version of *NSync?s ?Tearin? Up My Heart,? getting on his knees during one chorus.

?You look a little odd,? states Simon. ?You look like one of those creatures that lives in the jungle with those massive eyes. What do they call them? Bush babies.?

His bold statement forces Paula to heap on the praise. ?I think you?re pretty awesome. You?re a firecracker.?

He?s sent home.

Jonathan Jayne who made friends with Kenneth in line hits the stage in a red Hawaiian styled shirt. With a shaky vibrato he tackles ?God Bless America.?

?Beautiful,? Simon quips sarcastically before coming off slightly kind. ?I like you, but this is not the career path for you,? he adds.

9:34 PM: Watch out Taylor Hicks, here comes your doppelganger if he?d been hit in the face with ?a shove,? Ryan says. It?s Eric Chapman who in the on-screen captions they note is ?28???? with the question marks.

His performance is forgettable. What?s not forgettable is the fact security are forced to jump in and walk him out after the hairdresser whips out a bottle of what appears to be hair gel and makes a move toward Simon?s locks.

A few minutes later Anna Kearns, the 6?4? ?flat-footed, 6?7? in heels,? 20 year old walks in to sing Aretha Franklin?s ?Respect.?

Simon is impressed. ?Anna, you?re interesting,? he says. After she leaves the room with a golden ticket to Hollywood he throws in his wit. ?You just put through a giraffe,? he tells Paula and Randy.

9: 42 PM: Jordan Sparks, the 16 year old daughter of NFL star Felipe Sparks wows the judges with ?Because You Love Me,? the Celine Dion standard.

?I was blown away,? Randy gushes. ?You?re a natural.?

9:52 PM: The final audition of Seattle comes in, a robust, ginger haired man named Steven Thoen, though he goes by ?Red.?

The cameras portray him as a bit of a psycho before revealing his ?Idol? free life until now. ?I?ll admit I?m not a big fan of the show,? he tells the cameras to tremendous laughter from the AI crew.

He takes on Queen?s ?Bohemian Rhapsody.?

The verdict is of course a no, but that doesn?t stop him from continuing his quest to get to Hollywood. ?I was getting all A?s in concert choir,? he tells the Judges before attacking Simon directly.

?You think you?re so ***ing hot? Step up and coach me,? he demands.

Simon?s retort? ?It would be like coaching the one legged man to win the 100 meters.?

And after ?Red? leaves the room: ?What was that? Simon asks.

Next week the series returns to greet 16,000 contestants in Memphis, Tennessee.