Staff Blog: A Kinkajou’s Tale (August 11, 2006)

All day I’m getting emails saying “Baby Luv, you gotta check out Defamer and Gawker. Bloggers are going nuts saying you bit Paris. What the hell happened?” Well, every story has two sides and this is mine.

I did not bite The Heiress. I nipped her. Maybe it was a little more than a nip. Technically I guess it might have been a bite. Anyway,here’s what happened; as usual The Heiress had been out all night partying.And once again she comes home with some “model” or “actor.” Some Guy.Now they don’t usually get right to sleep, if you get my drift.I got no problem with that. My species is nocturnal. Says so right there in the kinkajou literature.We sleep in the daytime. We “do not like to be awake during the day.” Says so right there in the literature.

On the morning of the alleged incident I wake up and the sun is clearly shining. What’s wrong with this picture? Right away I’m unhappy. And then I hear what sounds suspiciously like a headboard slamming into the wall. Plus some, frankly, animal, sounds, all coming from the boudoir. I’m thinking Some Guy this time must be blind because he does not know how frightening it is to see Par-ee in the morning.

Anyway I’m awake and I’m getting a full head of steam going on a real foul mood. Plus, I’m hungry.I’m a fruit-eater. Look it up online. But does The Heiress give me fruit to eat? No, I get lukewarm shrimp, little dried up cubes of cheese on toothpicks and those miniature quiches. The Heiress stuffs this crap into her purse on the way out of some party or premier or something and throws it at my food dish when she finally stumbles in at o-dawn-thirty. Listen to me; I am a fruit eater. Look it up.

So when the The Heiress and Some Guy finally come down they’re starving so they hit the fridge. Right away I’m up on the counter looking in, looking for a peach or some blueberries or something. Heck, I’d take yogurt with fruit on the bottom. Then The Heiress says “now Baby Luv, you know you’re not supposed to be on the counter” and she nudges me. Nudges me!? The Heiress has been known to throw her underwear on the counter when she’s in a hurry and she’s telling me I don’t belong on the counter? So I’m madder and hungrier and I am going to get some fruit. This time Some Guy (who is heavily tattooed by the way) says “you heard the lady” and smacks me. Here’s something else Some Guy forgot to read. If he can read; Kinkajous “dislike noise or sudden movements. If agitated they may emit a scream and attack, usually clawing their victim and biting deeply.” Look it up!

Next thing I know I’m halfway across the kitchen floor and I’m furious. What is this, some bad Matt Dillon movie? Anyway I get a running start and I’m up her leg, over her shoulder, and sinking my teeth into The Heiress right below the left cheekbone. She screams. Some Guy tries to throw a cup of coffee at me to get me off and hits her. The Heiress screams again, all the time trying to pull me off. Wrong-o sister! I have a prehensile tail and it’s long and strong and wrapped around her neck and I’m holding on for dear life. She should have checked out the tail when she picked me out of the line-up at the Beverly Hills pet store.

Anyway, I finally let her go and made a dash for the closet where the maid keeps the cleaning supplies, since The Heiress has no clue where that is.

Right now I’m just trying to decide what to do next. I’m not some chihuahua who’s going to sit there bug-eyed while The Heiress flashes that stupid grin and idiots take pictures. A kinkajou has dignity. Look it up.