ROLL CALL: Paris Hilton Feeling ‘Relaxed’ After Home Break In

Your Daily Dispatch of Celebrity Shenanigans

Paris Returns To Luxury & Tranquility: Hours after a man was arrested for attempting to break into Paris Hilton’s LA area home, the starlet Tweeted, “Feel so much more relaxed. Just went and got adjusted by my chiropractor and got a facial at Kate Somerville Spa,” Paris Tweeted Tuesday night. Let’s hope she also stopped by a “bigger fence” store and an attack dog rescue center.

Joan To Snooki – Get A Washcloth!: Fork-tongued funny lady Joan Rivers has some sassy advice for “Jersey Shore’s” Snooki – and it involves a good scrubbing. Joan told People that she’d like to see Snooki “40 pounds lighter, wash off all that horrible Jersey makeup and give her something age-appropriate – just something classic.” Joan already has a few designers in mind that might be able to give Snooki a style makeover. “Give her to Ralph Lauren, give her to Calvin Klein, give her to Michael Kors,” Joan continued, saying Snooki is the “the kind of people you prayed your children wouldn’t turn into. They’re great fun to watch, but you don’t want to sit down next to them.” Oh Joan, we love you, but we saw your documentary, “Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work” and Snooki’s not the only gal spending a little too much time in the makeup chair.

Brit Rocks A Bikini!: Britney Spears turned up in Hawaii on Tuesday rocking a yellow bikini and looking good – well, everything except for that weave blowing in the island breezes! See Bikini Brit and Weave Monster, HERE!

Much Ado About Steven!: Steven Tyler showed up in New York City on Tuesday night at the Trump Hotel and practically incited a mini riot. According to TMZ, one of his associates was almost chocked out when a crowd of autograph seekers went into a frenzy hoping to get Steven’s signature. Really? Choking in the name of Steven Tyler? See yet another further sign of the apocalypse, HERE!