Walking The ‘Runway’: Frau Klum Shoots Bambi (August 17, 2006)

There’s a fine line between innovation and insanity.” Heidi summed it up quite well at the end of this evening’s episode , when old ideas became new (and then old again), and any sense of unity began to come apart… well, at the seams.

In season three, I feel I’ve grown wise to some of Bravo’s machinations; I always try to guess who’s going to be in real danger, and who is merely the red herring, by paying attention to who the show seems to be profiling each week. Tonight was no exception when, right off the bat, we get Vincent’s startling admission that he cashed in his 401(k) and quit his job to be here slogging away in the Banana Republic workroom. Scant minutes in, and I’m already feeling wary of Vincenzo’s chances this week.

Frau Klum marches onto the runway in an Emerald City getup and proceeds to scold the designers, telling them they’ve had it ‘easy’ compared to seasons past (loyal viewers are inclined to agree). However, this mouthy, motley crew proceeds to talk back to their Teutonic leader. I don’t imagine sassing Miss Heidi is going to help you on the runway, kids.

After a 5am wakeup call from Tim Gunn (which is the only thing that would get me out of bed at 5am), the crew piles into a van for a short trip that is light-years away from their cozy Manhattan home – a recycling plant in New Jersey. Adorable Alison hums “The Sopranos” theme while Mean Miss Laura (oh, wait) looks as though she ‘s ready to ride to hounds in her jodhipurs. Not for the first time do I wonder if she has a secret kinky streak. Tim (improbably dapper in hardhat and goggles) announces to the crew that instead of fabric, the designers will be working with mountains of recycled goods. Orange Robert immediately whines, “I don’t want to work with trash!” and I get the feeling he’s not just talking about the piles of garbage in front of him.

Meanwhile, the uncomplaining Uli is wading into the mounds of trash and pulling out strands of silver Mylar that we’re soon going to see all too much of. Kayne gleefully boasts of his “dumpster diving” past, as he unscrews bottlecaps into his storage bin. Vincent is once again off on one of his ‘wacky’ tangents about inspiration and art. Oh dear.

Back at the workroom, everyone’s having problems. Alison has realized that her textile skirt isn’t going to fly, and she begins to hopelessly crumble paper. Maybe SHE’S this week’s red herring? Michael continues to charm. I’d no idea he tried out for season two and was turned away (Why? So they could make room for Daniel Franco??), but his determination is paying off. “I want me a piece on that Wall of Fame.” I’m not really sure what that means.

Michael Kors fame, or Trisha & Ryan fame?

Tim, after baffling Alison into wet-eyed silence by using the word “zaftig” to describe her model, proceeds to call Kayne’s disastrous green monster of a gown “the amateur hour” (twice) and “a high school craft project” (once). Lawdy, is Miss Kayne in trouble. By the eleventh hour, Vincent is literally throwing handfuls of trash on his dress; Kayne is TRYING ON his skirt and proclaiming it “awful” (agreed); these people are making Angela look calm and competent. Meanwhile, Orange Robert and Kayne slip away to dine and bitch about Mean Miss Laura – she’s apparently alienated every male designer on the show, not to mention some viewers (well, one, anyway).

The morning of the runway show, M.M.L. leaps out of bed – fully dressed in black slacks and a white dress shirt!? Who is this woman?! I’m a little scared. The designers struggle to stuff their models into the stiff, unyielding garments they’ve constructed (side note: don’t the designers adapt the dress forms to their models’ measurements? I’ve been wondering since season one). The tensions are mounting. Laura, seeming to sense Kayne’s weakness like blood in the water, needles him over the styling of his model – “I wonder about your choices so often, sweetheart,” she drawls – ironically, since his model actually looks like a mad-scientist version of Laura herself. “Well, honey I wonder about your character!” Give it to her, Kayne!

Finally, we stumble onto the runway. Tonight’s guest judge is ‘celebrity stylist’ Rachel Zoe, who has achieved renown for convincing all of young Hollywood to dress like disheveled, vaguely trampy 70s rock groupies. As the models strut down the catwalk, it becomes obvious that nearly every designer availed themselves of the silver Mylar, which makes their designs look a tad uniform. I was hoping to see more actual garbage and less metaphoric trash.

But some of them get it right. Jeffrey (he of the ‘edgy’ tattooed neck) constructs a surprisingly wearable kimono-like minidress with a rad trompe l’oeil belt in interesting shades of deep blue and mustard yellow. Robert finally pulled himself off the edge of Mount Boredom with a crinkly silver party dress (“albeit a cheap tacky cocktail dress that a hooker might wear” – hey, those are his words, not mine!). On the other hand, Vincent’s model could hardly maneuver down the runway in the restrictive tube dress with “playful” paper appliqués he’d glued her into, while Alison’s model looked less whimsical than say, an escaped mental patient disguised as an origami swan.

At the end of the day, the prize went to Mr. Michael for the second week in a row. He’s clearly become the judges’ darling, this year’s Daniel V. Ninagarciafashiondirectorofellemagazine proclaimed his use of plastic as a wrap as “innovative” (I guess she’s never set foot in a supermarket). Michael Kors gushed over his intelligence (Michael DOES know how to talk the talk). Vincent, with his defiant defense of his paper-towel-tube of a dress as “art,” and Alison, with her humiliated-looking model, were the last two standing, and Heidi aptly summed up the decision that stood before the judges: “What would I rather wear? Would I rather look like a faht Meennie Mouse? Or would I rather look sleem and long?”

Poor Alison. Seeing Heidi say “you’re out” was like watching Bambi get shot in slo-mo. But the drama wasn’t over, oh no. While Alison clung to her surrogate big sister Uli backstage, for some reason Laura starts tearing into Vincent! As though its his fault Alison got auf weidersehn’d!

Hmmm…in a recent interview, Heidi promised that this season’s “Runway” had a villain like we’d “never seen before”…could Laura be about to out-Wendy Pepper, Wendy Pepper?

Stay tuned.

– Joe Ricciardi